Traces

I doubt I'll ever be active on this space again... Should anyone still occasionally look me up, find me at dayre instead!

http://dayre.me/clovergreennn

Can't wait for school to be over... At the same time can't bear to graduate!! #year4woes

Today I caught my reflection in the mirror while I was feeling upset from a disagreement. My brows were locked, my mouth corners were turned down, and I looked absolutely unapproachable and undesirable. It was a signal to anyone who could see to run a thousand miles away, to avoid any irrational, aggressive attack. Why do people not see how ugly they are when they are angry and upset? Why should people make this face when they are unhappy? To keep people out, to distance themselves from potential hurt?

Yet, frowning hurts.

The exam period has been excruciatingly long, made worse by the fact that anti-social me has no one in a similar shoe who doesn't mind me latching onto for mutual support and encouragement. And Ronald has been enjoying those free time while he is not on shift entertaining himself (watch endless shows, chiong pokemon) while throwing in the convenient excuse that 'she probably needs to concentrate on studying so I better be a great boyfriend and not go disturb her'. Sounding very spiteful here but oh well. He couldn't deny he did think I would be better off alone and chose not to find trouble for me (and him) by occupying my studying time with his presence. Sometimes men just don't understand women. (If you are scratching your head reading this you probably don't understand too)

So that concludes my most tormenting exam period in 3.5 years so far. I thought it was finally over and let out my fat sigh of relief during the collection of my last paper, thinking how December is going to be awesome with the festive spirit and a whole month of time spent with loved ones ahead. But I'm now slumped in my sofa, taken to blogging, after no more show or game is able to elicit any sliver of interest or pleasantness, and the act of scrolling past social media posts no longer triggers my dopamine pathways. It is raining outside and the gloom piles on (but I love rain so I feel a little less lonely with it. Maybe it's because it gives me a legit reason for staying in so I don't feel so miserable). It's not really that I have nothing going on this month - I have just had a short getaway to Batam and am anticipating Bangkok trip at the end of the month, but apart from these, I find myself looking at the most dreary and joyless December I've ever had.

This is the time when writing becomes appealing again. Some people write when they're happy, when they're inspired, when they're thoughtful. But most people write when words in print are all that can help purge the bundle of tangled emotions weighing down their chest. Investing time in crafting the perfect words to express yourself is cathartic on its own. It is like finding a log after floating for ages in a vast ocean; finding a sense of control amidst endless helplessness.

-

I guess I feel better enough now to not elaborate on what is bothering me. After all, I only came here to find an outlet of release, but now I don't need it.

Lamenting the lack of photos on this blog since about 4 or 5 years ago I shall attempt to throw in some.

This is Ron's sweet attempt to atone for his sins - he made up for all his neglect by buying all the food that he believed I wanted to try. It was right after my last exam paper, we had a meal and sat for one or two hours up on Vivocity roof top. It was simple and very enjoyable. :)

Which reminds me - I now have straight teeth!

Dress up and make up... Ha ha so rare that I should take a pic (*coughs* many) to remember it.

Taken at Saizeriya! It's an extremely affordable Italian restaurant. Food is great for its price, but don't expect too much! We had a movie date at GV Gemini, the couple cinema. 18 dollars for a movie ticket is not worth it. Although all are couple seats with considerable space between each couple, I don't understand why people would need that 'privacy'. Haha! But Catching Fire was AWESOME.

Trying the cutesie hair ribbon look!!!! (Gey kiang.)

One of the few presentable selfies from Batam trip. Trololol. What do girls do when they have time to pass?

There was much drama during the whole trip, which made it very memorable. Haha.

1. Peijun was late and we missed our ferry, so the next time we could depart was 2 hours later!

2. Took our package at Eska Spa. The place was well furnished and the people were nice. But my masseur was an inexperienced young girl... What I received on my left body was different from what I received on my right. Haha! But she was very nice and sweet so I didn't feel like my money was spent unworthily. But my express manicure was redone THREE times and it still got destroyed in the end. Wonder if they were using real OPI, because even 4 hours later they were not dry :(

3. At the hotel (Harmoni Suites), we were given a room that was already occupied. But the staff were very courteous and attentive; they escorted us up to our room each time and because of the mistake we were upgraded to a larger room with no extra charges. Room amenities were great, you could cook up a whole meal with their stove, pots and pans. The bathroom was spacious and there was a bathtub (don't assume all hotels have them!). The TV even showed Channel 5, 8 and U! I'm actually really happy with the hotel, and the breakfast (SQUEAL)!!! OHHH and yes they also have a gym which leads up to a pool.

4. While shopping in Nagoya Hill Shopping Mall, we entered a toy/gift shop and the two shopkeepers were looking worriedly/warily at us. We were wondering what happened and they tried to tell us, but they spoke zero English and we didn't understand Bahasa so thank god one of them could speak hokkien and we tried our best to interpret. Apparently there were 3 men that were following us around, and the shopkeeper even saw one of them open the outer compartment of my bag (to think I thought I was careless and forgot to zip it). Even while speaking to us the few men were loitering and even returned near the shop we were in to pretend to go to the loo. It was freaky and after advising us on how to take care of our belongings the shopkeeper brought us to find the security personnel. We didn't understand their conversation but I guess they probably stepped up security around the mall after that. We were sorta shaken after the incident (especially when we walked past the men again) but were more worried for the shopkeeper who helped us! Hope the men didn't go find her any trouble. (By the way I didn't lose anything, wasn't dumb enough to leave my valuables in the outermost pocket of my bag! Let them steal my tissue paper, contact lens solution blablah...)

Moral of story: Try not to go to Batam when you only have 2 girls! The shopkeeper said pickpockets target Singaporeans that come to Batam to shop in the weekend in small groups. If you must, be alert and all times and take care of your belongings.

Everything else about the trip was otherwise pleasant, sans the chaotic and disorganized departure at the ferry terminal.

Well this has been an unexpected post. Hahahah this is what boredom does to you.

-awkward ending-

I've never been a writer, but I do relate to those people who write to share and inspire readers or to purge themselves of pent up emotions. There is a beauty in how elaborate stories can be wrapped up in succinct words. I believe this is where 'less is more' comes into play where the art of subtlety triumphs over lengthy blatant descriptions. It's a pity I don't possess that kind of writing talent. But I make do. :)

This has become a stale space since I am usually only here when I have nothing happy to say. Haha! I've finally gotten around to rid my sidebars of nihilistic quotes and tagboard spam (should I just remove that whole thing?? But it contains much useless yet precious memories!). I'm not sure how long my hype would last but I guess an occasional maintenance effort should be applauded! :D

Was recently plagued by petty matters that were blown out of proportion. It is laughable how I managed to get myself caught in such situations especially when I have always been wary and careful dealing with these insensitive yet oversensitive people. Had my self-worth destroyed and my heart shattered, but in retrospect... These were worth me finally stepping out and looking back (albeit in disdain) at the terrible environment I was actually in. My heart is mending and getting stronger than before, my vision never more clear. Come at me, I'm not afraid. I know you inside out :)

Was so tempted to illustrate all that has happened. The urge to reveal the happenings was growing stronger every single day. I felt wronged, frustrated, curious. Yes I was curious about what version of the happenings would be floating around the place. But as time passed, I felt my heart rest. What use is there to pursue the matter, when people who trust you will continue to, and those that doubt you will only think worse of you?

I have wanted so bad to let the whole world see the pattern in their behaviour and attitudes, but not anymore. One day, they will see for themselves. Just hopefully not as brutally as I did.

Thanks to many cathartic talks I had with different people, I am learning to become a (the) better person. With every closed door God does open another; I now know who is by my side and these are the people whom I should be spending my soul on.

Am also fixing my life where I have afflicted damages. My mum's never happier to see me at home, I'm enjoying my participation in Arts Oweek 2013 planning immensely, and I've found back my old but not lost friends. Also I'm sure Ronald would be disappointed if I didn't mention him so I would say I have been so eager and glad to save my spare weekends exploring places with him, or simply screaming away killing zombies on his PS3 at home.

I thought it was a rough patch, but it seems life has taken a turn for the better. Results have improved, work is stressful but exciting, I'm busy catching up with all that I have missed and appreciate what I have even more.

How am I? Grand, I'm grand :)

Short rant.

A considerable part of my low self-esteem probably stems from the fact that people around me discriminate people who are tan.

Why am I objected to unnecessary judgements just because of my skin tone, which I (seriously) don't have a control over? When people joke about the hole in my teeth, or even weight (though no one is terrible enough to do that)... I'm perfectly okay with it because it's something that I can actually change, and it is my own fault/responsibility that I attract negative judgments. I would feel sad, but I wouldn't blame anyone for it. But for skin tone... You are mocking my genes; doesn't that make you no different from a racist?

People JUST have to make some casual remark about my skin tone in every little thing they talk about - 'No, she can't represent this character because she is tan (note: said character isn't even known to be fair. I can't deny I can never represent Snow White, but what the hell has freaking Powerpuff Girls gotta do with skin colour???)'; 'So tan already still drink coffee? (I can't drink coffee???) You like kopi-o right?'; or instances where they place you next to a fair skinned person and call you Oreo or coffee-against-milk, then laugh at you like you are the pariah of society.

It's like a crime that I don't have porcelain skin. So I'm not allowed to breathe the same air as fair skinned people, and it irks you so much that you gotta just comment on it to gratify yourself? It is so casual, you don't even know your offhand remark actually hurts and casts shadows in people's hearts. And you don't know that doing that is showing more people around you that it is fine to make this kind of judgmental remarks, and victims will be fine with it.

Granted that there are times when such jokes are fine when we are on the topic of skin tone, but letting your discriminatory views pepper your judgment on other things - not okay.

Now I know better. I can't change my skin tone. I can't change you people's opinions about people who are tan. I don't need your approval. I'm not gonna stay feeling victimized and unwanted and undesired. I'm gonna make the best out of this and become one helluva proudly tan girl that can't care less about you whether or not you like it.

I hate how after learning about psychology I know what I'm supposed to be doing right to make life better but yet I still don't do it/them. Feel shitty about self. Then I try to justify my behaviour with more psychological theories. End up feeling even more shitty about self. Theories simply don't equate to life.

I think I might possibly have been traumatised. Experiencing unintended flashbacks and paranoia like in PTSD. Just on the emotional scale.

What can you do about it if it just wants to haunt you, appearing when you least expect it. Turn up when things have been going right. Seems as if no matter how happy your life is, something out there is bound to wreck it for you. But who gets it worse, the hurting party or the (innocent?) prosecutor?

If fate wants to test my limits in this way, I'd suggest it to leave me with nothing. Then there isn't hope. There isn't disappointment, fear.

When there is desire there is gonna be a flame
When there is a flame someone's bound to get burnt
But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die
You gotta get up and try
And try
And try

One day, perhaps, I won't anymore. Can't.

The more I grow, the more I look back. Not because logically there are more things to look back on, but rather, I don't feel as if I'm looking forward to anything.

I hate to be stuck in the past, but I am.

There are certain music that could always plunge me into either nolstalgia or depression whenever I hear them.

11/11/12 11:11:11pm

I missed.

The greatest thing about working with young children is that they have no reservations in contributing to the interaction.

But I have recently been horrified by Chanya's new annoying habit of accusing me, 'I know teacher don't like me!' which makes me very baffled because I didn't do anything!

Found out yesterday that she forms her own hypotheses eg. 'If I get this question wrong, it means teacher don't like me' or even 'if teacher wears black today' and 'if teacher didn't carry her red bag with the octopus'. Even though it sounds ridiculous, I was so relieved and amused that I've finally solved the mystery! (So the unreasonable trait of women actually started out so young)

It is pretty scary how she really convinces herself that I don't like her and broods over it the whole lesson, but I've found the solution after trying every lesson on how to deal with it (pretend to be very sad that she thinks this way - including imitating how she expresses sadness by burying my face in my hands; she has an inherent kindness in her that makes her want to make people feel happy so she would listen and trust me after that).

I'm seldom fazed by circumstances, don't really lose my head and usually have a solution to every situation that pops up, but teaching Chanya has really challenged me. Whether it is the slight language barrier (she's Thai), her eccentricity or mood swings, I go to her house twice a week not knowing what I would expect that day. But she's such a sweet girl she has probably conditioned me to look forward to all these challenges with all the love she showers me.

I'd like to record these precious observations; I really am learning from her as much as she is learning from me :)

第一最好不相見，如此便可不相戀。
第二最好不相知，如此便可不相思。
第三最好不相伴，如此便可不相欠。
第四最好不相惜，如此便可不相憶。
第五最好不相愛，如此便可不相棄。
第六最好不相對，如此便可不相會。
第七最好不相誤，如此便可不相負。
第八最好不相許，如此便可不相續。
第九最好不相依，如此便可不相偎。
第十最好不相遇，如此便可不相聚。
但曾相見便相知，相見何如不見時。
安得與君相訣絕，免教生死作相思。

Clovergreen♥

There's more to things
than you'll ever know,
but I'm beginning to anticipate the unknown.

Smile,
because you are worth it.

Tey Xiao Wei
08021991
NUS FASS
Victoria Junior College
CHIJ SN

Aquarius Enthusiast
Extreme 蘇打綠 Sodafan

guestbook

03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004 06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005 06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005 07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005 11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007 05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007 06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007 10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007 11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007 12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008 02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008 03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008 04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008 05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008 06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008 07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008 08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008 09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008 10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008 11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008 12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009 01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009 02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009 03/01/2009 - 04/01/2009 04/01/2009 - 05/01/2009 05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009 06/01/2009 - 07/01/2009 07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009 09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009 10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009 11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009 12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010 01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010 02/01/2010 - 03/01/2010 03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010 04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010 05/01/2010 - 06/01/2010 08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010 09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010 10/01/2010 - 11/01/2010 12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011 01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011 02/01/2011 - 03/01/2011 06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011 07/01/2011 - 08/01/2011 09/01/2011 - 10/01/2011 11/01/2011 - 12/01/2011 12/01/2011 - 01/01/2012 01/01/2012 - 02/01/2012 02/01/2012 - 03/01/2012 03/01/2012 - 04/01/2012 04/01/2012 - 05/01/2012 05/01/2012 - 06/01/2012 10/01/2012 - 11/01/2012 11/01/2012 - 12/01/2012 01/01/2013 - 02/01/2013 03/01/2013 - 04/01/2013 05/01/2013 - 06/01/2013 06/01/2013 - 07/01/2013 12/01/2013 - 01/01/2014 01/01/2014 - 02/01/2014 04/01/2014 - 05/01/2014

Designer : Chili.
x o x o

free web counter